a lot's happened just today! i got my permit, remade a digital copy of my resume (wasn't ever able to get it from my school laptop), and applied for my first actual job! also i got FFXV recently and i've been playing it a metric fuckton, it's honestly the most fun i've had with a game in a long, long while. that's not even all, because i also finally got a new battery for my laptop!

another step closer to hrt for me.
also, i've been recording my FFXV playthrough, so i might post something related on my youtube! (yes i have one)

stay tuned maybe? idk.

water heater in our apartment decided to start leaking everywhere. floor's flooded for the most part, save partially the bedrooms, pooling in the living room/kitchen. had to use all of my blankets to make sure as little gets in my room as possible, can just sleep in my coat so it's ain't the end of the world. still, what the hell, yknow?

ADDENDUM:
i've done nothing but wring out towels and blankets since first making this post, but we got it taken care of thanks to my dad's hvac. just waiting for everything to dry now, but we should hopefully have no water damage. thank god.

i haven't talked about this because of everything else going on, but we recently adopted some older kittens, they are adorable and i love them.
however we aren't supposed to have pets, and the landlord found out, so they've gotta go.

suffering.

it's my birthday! i'm finally 18, and now have to do all that weird stuff like pay bills, and use explosives to defend my home from various vagabonds and rapscallions. i've also realized some things, and while i hate it's today of all days i realize, it's for the best.

firstly, context.

three day's ago my siblings and my brother's partner had an "intervention" about me being "disrespectful", and i was essentially given the ultimatum of either going to therapy, or being kicked out. they said if i "straightened up" they would have been fine with that but... i know them better than that.

the disrespect in question is odd, because it entails behaviors they have no issues with when they themselves are the ones doing so, but when i do it i am always in the wrong. they can be as rude as they like, snap as often as they wish, but when the roles are reversed it is suddenly horribly disrespectful.
one of the most egregious examples i can recall is when my brother's partner (henceforth known as M), grabbed me by the shoulder and forcefully shook me awake. i have a very explicit no touch rule due to being SA'ed, and she knew this already, including why said rule was in place. so when i was awoken to her gripping my exposed shoulder and shaking me, i immediately told her to stop touching me, and had to twice before she let go, told her i didn't care and to stop when she said she was just trying to wake me up. yes i was a bit harsh in my tone, i was upset, however, because i wasn't nice about telling her not to violate an explicit, known physical boundary of mine, it became an issue that nearly led to me getting kicked out.

most of the cases of "disrespect" are fairly similar. frankly, it seems any retaliation, any attempt to express my frustration, or anger, or discomfort, are either ignored or taken as disrespect, and thusly punished, and again when they do the same to me, all is well, no one pays any mind. they say they do not think of me as lesser, but they do not say the same with their actions. i've tried getting them to understand, but they are unwilling to, and i don't have the power or leverage to make them actually consider my words, because i can't afford getting kicked out.

it's somehow worse with my sister (who i'll call O) though, because she... likes to say she effectively raised me. something i used to believe, but upon really interrogating that idea... no. no she didn't. O was there for me more than anyone else, but that's pretty low bar to begin with. saying she raised me is honestly a massive over exaggeration, because while she did teach me some of the basic skills my mother and father never did (like how to use a washer and dryer), and was there for me at times, saying she raised me implies she did way more that she just didn't ever do. she was always just my distant older sister i saw on occasion.

the harsh truth to swallow is that i was raised by myself and the internet.

and that sucks because i want to believe it was different, that my sister raised me, but she didn't, and i had to figure pretty much everything on my own. her and everyone else likes to act as if they'd played a much larger part in my life they they did in reality, but the truth always was that i grew up isolated, with barely any friends, let alone support from my family. i had to teach myself how to cook, clean, how to patch myself up, to talk to people, the list goes on and on.
they acted then, during that "intervention" as if they knew my own life better than i did. talked about how lucky i was to have people there for me, ignoring how when i actually need them they're no where in sight. said i had it so much better than they did, when i absolutely did not. it feels as if they view every related to me as lesser, my trauma, my experiences, tastes, ideas, all inferior or less important because.... reasons i guess. maybe if i wasn't a distant other to them, i'd know why.
maybe.

still, it felt so violating to have these people i care about try and tell me how my life was, people i loved, cared, trusted, suddenly imposing their will onto my lived reality, to make it something it never was. i'm so, so utterly tired of walking on eggshells to appease them. what makes it worse is that i'm essentially being forced to go to therapy, because to be truthful i do need therapy for my issues unrelated to depression (i am most likely some flavor of schizo/bipolar), and i would preferably like to be on medication or whatever before it gets worse, but being forced to go will inevitably stunt my progress.

i don't really know how to feel about all of this to be honest. i probably won't until i eventually move out and are able to truly speak freely with them.

i suppose as a final bit to brighten up a deeply gloomy post, i'm finally getting that battery for my laptop. no more being bound to walls.
wahoo.

mfw a trans youtuber i really like turns out to be an absolute chud

When I lived with my dad, he taught me how to make coffee. He'd always make it with so little sugar or creamer, it was barely any different than drinking straight from the pot. I'd make mine the same way, I liked it even, but today I went to make it like I used to, and I couldn't stand it, poured the cup down the drain halfway through.

A lot of stuff is like that for me. Now that I know things could be a different way, I cannot stand the way they used to be.
Sometimes though, I think about how my dad sees a lot of himself in me, and at first I smile and nod, then I shudder when I remember how horrid of a man he was when he was my age, and have to remind myself I am not that kind of violent, cruel, abusive person. I wonder how he sees me, thinks of me knowing I'm trans. Does he even really see me? When his eyes glass over and he stares into space struggling to find his words, is he even truely speaking to me at all, or an idea of me? Am I myself acting as said idea, a parody of myself?

I don't have a good answer. But no matter what I can't go back into the closet no matter what. It would kill me slowly, the way lives are oft taken by those who wish to simply forget we were ever here. Smother us slowly, as to ensure they do not need to spill any blood, no they shall have us spill our own, tear our own hearts out and drink our ichor for any respite from the desert they create.
"Come", they will say, "drink from the oasis", but the oasis was never made for us, our hooves and claws and paws were not designed for their asphalt and concrete. Our trunks and proboscises cannot sip the sweet water they have deliberately ensured only those with lips unmarred by strife or injury may taste.
"How strange!", they will say, "perhaps if you were like us you would be able to drink!", but we are not blind. We see, clear as the sunlight, the walls they have deliberately built to ensure anyone different may not drink, and we know this will continue until we do not exist, or until the walls are brought down, and the desert remains no longer.

Don't let them "forget" about us, do not allow them the pleasure of your demise. Persist, if only to try and change this shitshow for the better.

And for the love of god vote. The Midterms are coming up, so rally together, vote, and maybe we can keep things from getting worse.

doing some spring cleaning today. finally put my clothes up too, i'd been puttingit off because well... i didn't wanna and i'm a lazy bitch, only to discover they were still wet despite being washed almost 5 days ago. i am now a beliver of how shit abysmally dogshit the apartment machines are. otherwise i'm just counting down the days 'till my birthday. i am very excited but in that tired way like how an old dog waits to be given kibble. i am nearly truly done with this era of my life, and i await my apotheosis patiently.

in other news, my fanart is on Gremlin's blog! i am genuinely very happy about this, and i will be putting it on the art section of the blog when i finally get off my ass and work on the website properly again lol.

So let's talk about this a little. Firstly though, a link to the full thread so 90% of this isn't just screenshots.

I was unaware of this whole thing until recently, but this has me legitimately kind of spooked because, as stupid as this sounds in retrospect, I had never bothered to back up my site. The only copy of the damned thing in used to be this one. I have started backing it up locally now, but still getting spooked by the idea mine and so many other sites could have been essentially wiped off the map by a single wrongful complaint was not fun.

I know that's most likely an overreaction, that something like that would likely never happen, but still worries me regardess. I have nothing much to say otherwise considering it's been taken care of already to my knowledge, but all things considered I will be regularly backing the site up every few updates, in case anything might happen to neocities. I may also make a mirror site somewhere else as a "just in case" sort of deal.

in other news, my bro and his partner have gotten some kittens. they are adorable, a bit older, probably pre teen age for cats, and i love them greatly. i'm honestly still opposed to them being here, especially because of the current cat being a dickhead with a tendency to randomly attack people, likely due to his past as a stray. even still i worry for the little guys, especially because of my kitten related trauma i'll get into when i have the mental energy to. i don't know, i'm tired dawg...

this post needs a bit of context, but to give the short version, i never got to take my A+ certification exams, something i was promised i WOULD do on the 1st of this month.

now for the long version.

basically, my parents promised me they would save money out of my monthly check so i would be able to take my A+ certification and go into tech professionally. i wouldn't really have an issue with this normally because i know money can be tight, however the person who get's my check is my mother.
my mother has a history of being incredibly finacially irresponsible, and still is to a lesser extent than she used to, most likely because she can't sap the family finances anymore.

either way as much as i'm not happy about it, i can just do it later. the thing i care a lot more about is also related to my check. see, a tradition is that for both of my siblings, they got their last check in its entirety. my mother's promised me the exact same thing, and as petty as it sounds, if i don't get it, my relationship with her will probably be irreconcilable, because it would show she can't break her endless patten of letting me down and lying to me.
ain't about money, it'd just be the straw that broke the camel's overstressed back.

also money, because i'm a schroogish little cunt.

so yeah. oh and i'm sick. feelsoscrump.

short post, but happy pride month everybody! i forgot because i was busy drinking ungodly amounts of coffee and experiencing vivid halucinations because schizo, but i remember so yeah! remember, every gay personn has boosted stats rn trust frfr.

ADDENDUM:
i forgot to change the title :skull:

it's the dark hours of the morning and i yet again find myself pondering my future. my birthday is in less than two weeks starting today, i'm narrowing in on when my life really gets to start. i am still, if only because of my stubborn, hardheaded nature, very, very eager for my future, however i am also now feeling anxiety creep back in as i realize just how much i have to do. before i can start working to begin making the money i need for HRT, i need a bank account, which i do not have. where i'll hopefully be working is close so i don't have to drive, but i do still need to get my license. plus when i do start working i need to make sure i keep my finacial records somewhere safe to make filing taxes easier, i need to start buying my own groceries, clothes, with freedom comes many responsabilities, i am more than aware, though the issue of lacking a bank account is one that has me rather stressed considering it is yet another thing preventing me from obtaining HRT. that and also at this rate i do not know if i will be taking my A+ exam as i was promised i would be able to.
that isn't the end of the world for me, but it would suck. i really want to be able to work on computers.

always one thing after another, huh? well, it's whatever. i'll manage, like always.

oh, and yes, Mina The Hollower is very, very good in case you were still wondering about that.

addressing the title, yeah i think she's got a problem.
see, she's gotten real into buying pokemon cards recently, as well as naruto cards. when i say real into, i mean she's been buying a metric fuck ton and selling them. dare i say she has become scalper adjasent. sure she makes money sometimes, but i can't help but see some uh... similarities to our mother.

namely, addiction. my mother's a gambling addict who's addiction manifests itself in her buying tons and tons of scratch off tickets. she'd buy and buy with no regard for how her wreckless spending was hurting herself and her family. how coencidental then, that my sister's behind on her car payments, and now, when she absolutely need to be stingy lest she lose her car, she's buying cards.

it-it's like poetry, it rhymes!

given my father is also a recovering alcoholic, and i can confidently say that me and my siblings are absolutely more prone to addictive behaviors than most, because weird genetic bullshit, so needless to say, i'm worried.
also she said she didn't like the backrooms movie and got upset when i told her that "the game" was in fact not based on the webseries the movie is based on because she apparently already knew that, and also she admitted she slept through most of it so i honestly think she doesn't know what the hell she's talking about and i haven't even seen it! (this is kind of relevent because it's a consistent pattern of behavior that stems from her belief she is in the right because she's the oldest and thus wisest of us.)

so yeah, i guess i'm kind of worried.

my card declined when i went to buy Mina The Hollower because i fucked up my address by one letter.

suffering

ADDENDUM:
I DIDN'T FUCK IT UP AGAIN LETS GOOOO!

riting this in one while neocities is down so this one probably wont end up with addendums since i'll just edit it before it goes up. fun!

anyway, i didn't talk about graudation, and that was deliberate, i just didn't want to in all honesty because a bunch of shit happened the day before that made me not want to think about it at all aside from the whole "it's finally over, thank god" mini comic thing (for lack of a better term). so. lets talk about it, for my sake.

basically the gist boils down to this; i didn't want to even go to my own graduation, i didn't care about any of the ceremomies or celebration, because it isn't worth celebrating to me. i had stated clearly, that if i was to go it would be on my own terms, those terms being i did not want a lot of people there, that even if i got enough tickets, i only wanted my immedient family there. now yes there was the family of everybody else there, but i don't care about them, i don't really get stage fright or anxious unless it's my family, especially my mother who i have a strained relationship due to... enough reasons it warrents an essay length post, but in this case she was invited solely because i knew she would raise hell if i didn't. however, the moment i got tickets, the literal day before my graduation would happen, suddenly my desire to only have my immedient family there was forgotten and in fact actually conditional on the amount of tickets i got. long story short it became a national fucking issue. i have nothing against either of my siblings partners, who were apparently upset by the "sudden" revalation (i had spoken to the both in person over a month and a half prior regarding the subject so calling it sudden is practially a lie), however i simply wanted only my immedient family there.

after a bit of arguing with my mother and sister on the phone, the entire family gathered around to rip into how "selfish" and "hurtful" i was being for not inviting my sibling partners, which again had only just become an issue, instead of when i made my position known about two months beforehand, when i had first arrived at my decision and was discussing if it was even the right choice with them. i ended up caving and apologizing even if i really don't think i should have in retrospect. managed to convince them to do a family get together though, since all i really wanted was to spend time with my family, so i had some fun after graduation.

it's kinda funny in a way, during the whole conversation that has tainted graduation for me, they kept trying to stress the importance of it, of how happy i'll be afterwards, just like they do with everything else. same with high school, i won't miss it, just the folks i knew while there.

my entire life has always been waiting. waiting to graduate from elementry and middle schools so i won't be bullied anymore, waiting for my parents to get groceries so won't be hungry anymore, waiting to get my license, waiting to get a job, waiting for my birthday so i can get on HRT, waiting for my life to finally start, waiting for the day i figure out how to fix whatever the hell is wrong with me, waiting to finally, really be happy.

i already know, as arrogant as it may sound without hindsight, i will not miss childhood. i will not miss school. i will not miss the things they tell me i will or should because those things were horrible and neglectful and abusive to me, and why would i miss that? because i'm supposed to?

i refuse to, then.

i suppose other than that, is this limbo i'm in now. stuck between post-grad and pre-bday, and without a license i'm stuck in the house so to speak without someone else to take me somewhere. good time to think about things, reflect as i prepare to enter the "real" world (i don't feel like having a discussion about calling adulthood the real world is a misnomer), and of course awaiting video game releases such as Mina the Hollower which i am again incredibly excited for. expect a proper post about the game when i finish it, a video even if i decide to try my hand at youtube review content haha.
either way thats about all i have to say for now. i know this one was a bit of a debbie downer, but honestly i just wanted to scream into the void for some catharsis, and that i def now i have haha.

i realize now thats blog posts have grown much less frequent than they used to be. it's not that i don't wanna post more because i love writing this blog, i really do! it's just that what with me graduating and all that i've just hit a slow point where not much is going on. when i started this blog almost a month ago now it was a very, VERY hectic time in my life as i approached the end of my High School years and now... nothings much is happening on a day to day basis. i mean to be fair, my birthday's soon and THEN thing'll probably be a bit more blog worthy afterwards, cause i'll be working and trying to get on HRT and stuff so yeah. exciting!

as for whats up with me, well i've really just been relaxing when i'm not spending time with my sister. we're taking a trip to a nearby city about an hour away tommorow (unnamed for obvious privacy related reasons) that's pretty much a hub for a mall and a buncha big stores and whatnot. basically a shopping trip where we obtain useless but fun junk, its practically a tradition at this point! very excited as well because her parter got a new VR headset and gave me the old one, so i can finally play HL Alyx, AND Mina The Hollower is coming out on the 29th. i'm a massive Shovel Knight fan, so this is practically the coming of gaming christ for me, i am beyond hyped, and yes i WILL yes WILL be a day one for the game, i set aside money for it way in advanced, i am commited to the agenda.

in other news my mental state.
i'm definitly doing WAY better now that stressing about graduation isn't making me physically sick because it's over and done with. still not... great, but better.

also also also, guitar! i've been taking the time to try and learn some chords and whatnot, been a bit hard because i burned the living hell out of my hand while baking a few days back, but most of the tenderness is gone and the parts where i got properly burned have scabbed over so i can play again! i know i suck really bad at it, but im trying so so hard to learn, because i truly do want to be able to play, and practice makes perfect!

thats all i've really got for today. it's late, im excited for tommorow, and i wanna play more Bloons before bed. actually on a final note, i was gonna call the afformentioned trip a "girls trip" but well. my siblings don't see me as one. at least they phrase it funny though like "you're not high ranking enough yet" like i can forgive the implicit transphobia because at least they're trying to be supportive. anywayyeahokbye

got my dad's old guitar recently. he can't play it anymore so he was practically itching to give it away. i don't actually know how to play an instrument, but i'm gonna try and learn.
plus i need to lock back in and resume work on this whole website thingy. i just haven't had the mental energy to do much at all.
bleh.

in other news, i've been leaving a few discord servers im in, because they're either dead or i don't interact with anybody there. seriously i swear im cursed, any small server i join is either dead, dying, or it's onea those "looking" ones where i met two of my exs (broke up amicably, nice folks, just didn't work out, so no tea sorry :[ ...ok maybe SOME tea eventually).
i hate it happens honestly, because i'll legit be having a ton of fun and then just.

it's over. no grand death, no last gasp. it just fizzles out.
and i go "dang"

i feel so scrump!

self explanatory. also i am sick, but who cares.
it's finally over...

i play ma kenshi. so kenshi. tbh i know what i said but i don't actually feel like giving you lore today, so my day instead!
passed one of my two classes i actually care about, so all that's left is my English class.
ok. so i.
see, i need to tell you about-

MY ENGLISH CLASS

ok so. basically i am failing that class, and it's the ONE i need to graduate. but see, my teacher is very, VERY slow to put in grades, so if you're doing poorly you won't know until essentially last minute which is what i thought. my grade for my first quarter? ABYSSMAL, but that was ok, i could deal with a 50, because i had an 80 for my second, so i would pass as long as i did well on my exam, which i know i will because i always do well on assessments like that. i'm talking low 90 high 80 MINIMUM.
and then she started putting in grades finally.

i watched, in abject horror, as my grade dropped to a 72. then my portfolio, a MAJOR GRADE mind you, gets put in as a 100, and i sit there, in awe akin to witnessing the death of a divine being before my mortal eyes, as my grade goes up by exactly one point.
and then it got EVEN WORSE HOW DOES IT GET WORSE!?!?

more grades go in, and as if god decended from the heavens to punish me for daring to think i was doing alright, my grade drops even further down to a 66. mind you, my semester grade is still a 50 throughout this divine judgement upon me. no i do not know why it's stuck there, it keeps looking at me and i am afraid. :[
my two saving graces, are my midterm assessment grades for both quarters which are still not in the gradebook because fuck me i guess, and also my final exam which is, y'know, 20 percent of my grade.

needless to say, i want to graduate very badly, for what are obvious reasons. also if i don't i'm probably not getting my A+ cert, so going into tech, THE thing i was going to do post HS for work would be off the table for a while until i can save up.
and if that happens no hrt for a while unless i forgo my cert, and its just a whole thing...

ugnnnnnhuhuhuuuuh fuck my stupid chungus life

No I did not end up playing Kenshi.

anyway, my friend. the one i mentioned two posts ago i have a very tight nit bond with, is dealing with some shit. i will not be going into detail about anything for obvious privacy related reasons, but all thats relevent is that he has a pretty shitty home life, and is trying to get into collage to get away from all of that.

i feel like a terrible friend to him honestly, because i love him a lot platonically, but i can't do anything to materially help him, 'specially because i STILL don't have my license, and i don't have any money, so i can't take him out to do stuff and get him outta there for at least a bit. i know he had folks that can and do, but i still feel powerless to help him.
at bare minimum, i've been doing a lot to try and support him mentally and emotionally. it takes a toll on me to be honest, but i don't care, as long as i'm making things more bearable for him, i can deal with it. he's the one person who i can without a doubt in my damaged brain, say gives a shit about me, so i'm gonna return the favor.

still, sometimes i wish i could just run away with him. leave both our problems behind for at least a little while. i know it's stupid, that it won't solve anything, but for once i'd like to see what we're like when the weight of the world is lifted off our shoulders.

i can't wait to finally get on hrt. no it will not solve my problems, but it'll sure as hell make 'em easier to deal with.
i just want to finally live my life, instead of other people living it for me.

i will have my wish soon.
just a little longer.

long story short, i ended up relapsing into self harm a few days ago. that's probably one of the reasons my last post is somewhat meloncolic for me to read. i am fighting my own misery so very, very hard, but the pressure of everything is just too much right now. phrasing it as a relapse is probably strange, but its the best way i can put it. it was practically unthinkable i'd slip back into my most self destructive behaviors just a week ago, and now it seems unthinkable i wouldn't. like seriously i'm nigh suicidal constantly, what the hell was i even thinking?!

i wasn't.
thinking is for LOSERS!

also, i listened to GOODNIGHT HYPNOPOMP by STOMACH BOOK finally.
it's good. like. REALLY good. though i guess i am biased considering good ol' fashioned trans 2 trans communication aka The Beam.
probably helps it resonates within me with an intensity i haven't experienced in a long time. i usually don't cry, ever, but every track rocked me like the great waves of the center of the sea. i know it sounds really fucking stupid, but it hit the core of my being in a way nothing else has.

I think...

...I think I'm alive again.

At bare minimum found the music of my life, the album that embodies everything I've been though, survived, managed, ecetera ecetera.
Sometimes we forget how important media can be to people. How something as simple as a song can make life feel bearable.
On one hand, fuck STOMACH BOOK for snapping me out of my intense dissociation, everything hurts and I feel practially medieval. On the other, I'm finally properly feeling anything other than misery, so that's nice, even if said misery hits so, so much harder.

At the end of the day, we must party while we live, for the dead know only peace.

That's what I believe anyways.

wow that got kinda heavy huh? anyway i'm gonna go play kenshi/barony and try to stop putting myself down. i will give you lore if i play kenshi, this i will do for you, random netizen('s).

context in the last post

in truth i was, in fact, foolish to believe what i did. you don't have the kind of blood bond i do with my friend without being willing to accept each other in entirety.
i've bled so much of my hope, of my faith for tomorrow to be easier, better, that i lost sight of something so simple. ironically because of something that happened.

i've been playing vr chat more to help fulfill my desire for human connection and also ragebaiting bc why the hell not, and i met somebody. we just hung out for a while, till eventually things got kinda philosophical. basically he kept arguing that pure logic was superior to morals and the like that aren't based on such. said shit like people have too much empathy, that we should burn all the money of lobbyists, that we should simplify laws and shouldn't have lawyers?????

it was interesting. kind of pathetic, but interesting. like the thing about burning money, mf didn't seem to understand how bad that actually would be because well. deflation only works on paper bc if money becomes more valuable over time people horde their money, money stops flowing, yadda yadda, you get it.
or another one, discussing the value of human life. because thinking purely logically, people are replaceable, considering there's 8 bil of us, therefore human life is practically worthless. yet he claimed no, that wasn't the case, because people are unique, and therefore naturally have value. to be blunt however, even if i myself am unique, you'll probably be able to find another dickhead who's very similar.
honestly we were just complete opposites philosophically, even if we agreed on some functional aspects, like legal and economic reform, because his whole thing was pure logic, whereas i lean into the irrationality of human life.
i believe in dreams, i believe in people, i believe in joy, if that makes sense.
to truly illustrate our differences, i view fearlessness as cowardice and ignorance considering without fear you cannot be brave or courageous, and to lack it means you are blind to danger, blind to yourself.
he views it as courage because to be without fear is to be brave to him and also he thinks those are the same thing despite the fact that they are literally not?????

honestly, he gave the vibe of someone rather arrogant, considering how he constantly asserted opinion as logical fact, and plus just saying people should be less empathetic disgusts me personally because are you even remotely aware of the times we are living in???
plus when i said "honestly i think you haven't been in a situation to make you rethink that" in response to his comments on empathy, his response was saying he had almost died in a car crash a few days ago which damn that horrible, but that's not what i meant dumbass.

the point of this all is to say it was interesting, and kind of sad to see someone who had seemingly given up on people.

like i did

i see now the error in that. the cowardice in it.
it's so easy to give up in that, way, so easy to close yourself off from others, so utterly easy to go "i don't have empathy for small things anymore" (divorce and the death of loved ones are mere inconveniences apparently).
anything worthwhile is difficult, and i am recommitted to hope that people are better than the times would make one think.

after all, i, like everyone else, need something to believe in.

i just woke up, its so early i shouldn't be writing this yet but i have to.
so i've had various issues trying to sleep for a long time, usually insomnia, but more recently its manifested in waking up hours earlier than i need to. today though, i think i needed to.

Kbash's video on Nobunaga's Ambition was playing. its like 3 hours 40 minutes long, and it's imo one of his best works. i'd watched it before, but months ago when it released.
i woke up right at the ending of the video, where he essentially monologues about the themes and ideas he discusses throughout, and the first words i properly registered when i woke was "If you want one good thing the world will not allow, take it with your own power."

i guess thats what i'm doing now, trying to build up to a career in tech, trying to get hrt. i think i fixate on self sacrifice too much. the idea of it at least. it's practically a tradition now in my family that the men give all they have, burn out like dying stars if they have to, because as long as your family is doing ok it's fine.
of course, it doesn't work like that, watching someone you know, even if you don't like them, kill themself laboring away is disturbing, and besides mere hard work alone is not enough to ensure a happy, healthy life, as much as any of us would like.
also i'm not a guy so like l ratio get pwned fuckass

honestly i think i needed to hear somebody, even the ghost of someone's past in the machine of the internet, tell me it was ok to take what i want.
so i will.

hopefully this marks the end of my doom spiraling for now haha. seriously i don't think going "well maybe i'm like just incapable of happiness but at least i can make other people happy" is uh... healthy.

to finish up with this post, i think starting this blog was one of the better decisions i've made. i journal too, but screaming into the void like this about inane bullshit is cathartic in a way that isn't. like yeah sure, sometimes i say things that make no goddamn sense, but thats not a blog thing thats literally just me.
i guess to finish this post off, to whoever might end up reading this, you deserve to be happy too.

ADDENDUM:
technically this doesnt belong here because its the next day by a few minutes but this is my blog, i do what i want.
i came out to one of my closest friends today. yknow, one of the ones in my archived post that were pretty anti trans?

turns out he actually took it really well. even said he felt bad for saying some of the things he did. i don't quite know how to feel, i expected a disaster and got the opposite.
so.
yeah.

obviously this is a classic kayak W but i dunno.
i think i got too used to being right when i catastrophised. couldn't expect anything good.

i need some time, methinks.

hair turned out nice, so that made me feel decent. more importantly it was my sis' bday. she old. ancient even.
we played games, ate cake that was rock hard from accidental freezing, was nice to have the whole family together again. afterwards when everyone left, we nabbed some dvds too, more for my collection.
still just. we had this conversation in the car about how i was doing, because everyone knows plain as day i am not well, i can't even hide it now, an't stop fuckin' spacing out and dissociating. of course i love my sister, she basically raised me but i just couldn't i mean like.

"When are you gonna stop letting what happened rule you?"

god knows i wish that was all i had to do. but it's not that simple. it never is.
i don't care to get into my past proper today. one day maybe, but for today, old wounds stay closed. i will say it was almost... insulting? i know i'm hard to read, but it made me feel isolated because i'm well past the "getting over it" phase and on the "rewiring my damaged brain to not hate myself as much" phase.
got some brain damage, no i dont want to talk about it, i am so, so tired today.

i'm gonna go watch Columbo and think about yuri now.
god columbo would be so cool if he was a girl i love women.

cut my hair today. it was shorter than i was intending since i just wanted to trim it down, but its still wet so we'll see how it looks. my hair grows hella fast anyway, so even if i'm chopped just give it like two months and it'll be back to shoulder length. since i'm talking about hair and already typing, i've never really been able to style mine. i've got loose curly locks that are incredibly unruly. i always look like i've got bedhead even when i brush thouroughly. i try to part it differently to cover up my glorious solar pannelesc forehead to avoid ubercharge and it denies me such, leaving me radiant red, and unable to talk to people, lest i ubercharge them as well.
horrible i know, but at least im [TITLE CARD] for 8 second intervals

anyway hair update tommrow i guess

working on some more stuff to expand the site as i've obtained bryce 3d from like 1997. expect weird shit, inside jokes for me specifically, and a new page on the navbar dedicated to proper posts that aren't pure stream of conciousness rambling

i have done nothing of note apart from playing minecraft with my sis. it's laaaazy days for lil ol me (i have a test in like a week which will determine if i get my hs diploma or if i i'll need summer school...) yup just relaxing! (i am incredibly stressed-)


i'm doing great.

anyway, more importantly tomadachi updates!!!
well theres more people now. added ol' patty wagon from Mighty Switch Force, Meulin from homestuck bc ofc, and the greatest of all... The Mobinkster
he is a short blond man with a mustache that is mysteriously not blonde. i hate my creations. i hate this... THING so much i dedicated an in universe video game to killing him and then gave it to literally everyone. i just... something in their eyes. i can't bring myself to truly loath Vally, i mean their technically my fursona ffs, but The Mobinkster is an unholy abombanation born from the depths of my ruinous physche and the name Bink because funny. he is everywhere, and yet nowhere!

i am afraid... he may already be in the room with me, manifested into our world!

oh yeah right why i hate him uhhhh he cheated at red light green light once.

i know right?!
anyway yeah thats all for today uhhh by-

ADDENDUM:
i was gonna include my beautiful artists depiction of The Mobinkster but my laptop crashed. it miiiiight be because its only got four gigs of ram to work with and firefox uses almost all of it, haha... no but seriously, a consistent issue has been the machine freezing up seemingly randomly. previously it was almost certainly because whoever last had it thought putting two different sticks of ram in was a good idea, but now i'm unsure. it's that and the issue with heating, i know the t420 is supposed to run cooler than mine on average (50-60 idle after a repaste, was 70-80 before), and be way louder than a quite hum, so im pretty sure mine's got a worn down fan. messing with this thing has absolutely been a blast, but it's also kind of a pain in the ass sometimes.
still anything else can eat it, this keyboard FUCKS

...though i will admit im curious about the panasonic lets note series. tbh i just wanna get my hands on one so i can really get a good look at it. i've gotten to see basically everything else in person but one of em' because its pretty much Japan exclusive. also it has a disk drive. automatically based.

remember, they can "revoke" (steal) your license on amazon but they can't yoink yer' copy of Micheal Bay's Transformers on DVD from 2007!

today i hath doneth somethingth wonderous. i borrowed my sis' switch for a bit to play the new tomadachi life. i've also been playing miitopia for a while and i i need to tell you i need to this shit is wild.

OK so from the top, we've got our beloathed Vally and literally just Isabelle from Animal Crossing, mage and cook respectively, L.D. (yes that is this man's full name) and Bongo. as you might be able to tell i was just using whatever miis were on my 3ds because im a lazy fuck, and no neither L.D nor Bongo will ever be relevent again.
anyway at this point i began concocting lore for these critters, bc Isa and Val are getting a liiiitle close, mayhapse yuri?
well the moment they get thieved i lock in on the useless lesbian agenda and immediantly lock out the moment they start connecting with Eridan of homesuck imfamy. like i could get Waldo of Wheres Waldo fame (you WILL put respect on my main man) but Eridan? ERIDAN? come on.
so essentialy this is kind of like a situationship in cannon (my cannon its mine) 'cause Isa and Val weren't in a proper relationship, just kinda feeling things out.
so then the thievin happens again, new party, and they cannot stand Val! but why, what did they ever do?

they uh
they kinda shot their compatriates out of a cannon repeatedly.
yeowch...
so yeah Val's just rampaging as a tank now and it's sorta a mess but incredibly funny. then the dark lord Frank (yes that frank from Its Always Sunny in Philidelphia) theived the party AGAIN (you'd think there'd be counter measures three times in...) but it's the home stretch! we're nearing the Dark Lord's castle! we're getting our party members back! wahoo!

it's at this point i realize a slight error. see the foods you get? the ones that boost stats? well i've fed Val pretty much everything, so they're a utter powerhouse capable of 2-3 shotting just about anything. however even being a literal and metaphorical tank, they still need others to take some of the heat off, because the enemies are doing a LOT of damage. the issue is that everyone else is way behind on stat boosts from lack-of-fooditis (it's a real thing trust me i studied medicine for like a week i promise), so i'm having to off balance this sorta last minute, and it is, fittingly for all things i do, kind of a mess but it works.

finally we're at the Dark Lord Frank in all his purple, i'm ready to kick his ass-ohmygodhesfuckingdead

yeah Val turned Frank into a fine red mist in a few seconds. genuinely pulled a "Miitopia isn't yours to conquer". had me sweating bullets.

then the game just kinda... kept going but i stopped there because tired. importantly though, Isabelle and Eridan met, and immediantly became fast friends. no drama :[

and all of this... just to get to Tomadachi life
yeah

fast forward to today and i get to finally play the game! Val and Isa are back and also Obama and Walter White are somewhere on the island? idk i was persuaded to add them for comedic value so i guess we doing shitposts now.
anyway Val and Isa meet for the first time and Isa IMMEDIANTLY becomes frothingly obsessed with Val, like to the point she's staring at them in the distance like a weirdo. by the time the two are finally actual friends, Isa's already planning to confess, and like, girl, come on, you barely know her!
but i figured it could be interesting so i tell her to pull the ol' classic, "PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE" and then IT WORKED!?!?
so yeah it seems like the useless, kinda pathetic lesbians are just fated to be i guess. well i mean Isa is, Val's more like, a femm leaning bisexual i mean uhh you-you get the point!

all this to say i've been having a lot of fun playing silly video game instead of staring into the abyss and you should also tell me your funny game stories by emailing me except I DONT HAVE AN EMAIL ON HERE FUCK YOU!!! LIGHTNING BOLT LIGHTNING BOLT HAAAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!

ADDENDUM:
i forgot but i also made Obama and Walt gay. this is not relevent, but it's kinda funny so it's going in.

my cool and awesome and good website is finally finished!
well ok at time of writing this i still need to actually finish the intro page, but that'll take five seconds so idc. other than that im wondering if i should put my last newgounds blogpost on here. its kind of sad but important to this site as itll provide context to much of my future posts. if you see it below, you know what i decided. anyway, cheers to a long and strange life of my first ever website!
also a very special mention to gremlin from https://gremlin.neocities.org/ for inspiring me to make my own website! this is my first i managed to get past the fumbling blindly stage, so its pretty shite, but heywhogivesashit

QUICK NOTE: this one gets a lil heavy but again, important context for future posts

jesus its been months...

well only two but thats still a lot more than i intended.

anyway whats new?

well i finally got my beloved t420, and it works like a charm, save for the bad battery and the disk drive going out. Also its propensity to overheat when i stress it, and having to repaste it, and take a stick of ram out and...

...it's a good machine, alright?
keyboard's stellar, it can do everything i need to to perfectly well, its basically like the mostest powerful thing everer. trust.

in other news, i still haven't started back learning web development because i've been busy getting my edumacation and whatnot.

more importantly i experienced a death in the family recently, so thats been... fun. it has to be blunt, revealed to me that my mental health is still absolutely atrocious, and the realization of how close i am to where i used to be is a liiiiitle worrying. then theres hrt. god where do i even begin?

i am trans. (i know, i know, how shocking) and i wanna get on hrt asap. despite this though i haven't experienced dysphoria in a while. sure i'd get a bit uncomfortable, but it wasn't bad.

it is bad now.

it is very bad.

it doesn't help i'm in a small town not quite approving of that sorta thing. not outright hostile thank god, but everyone knows everyone and wants anything of the sort to stay behind closed doors, and the only other trans person i know is... shes... ok shes fucking unbearable, legit traumatized me when we were younger, and talking to her riles up that black pit of rage in the depth of my soul because of how arrogant she can be. typa person to discuss writing what is essentially guro and be shocked when you say it sounds like guro, or get into a rp server and make some cringe self insert with zero awareness of how she's basically just made a mary sue, and then get offended when her character gets nerfed because yeah obviously.

type of person to write shitty self insert fanfiction for fucking YEARS, styles like a stageplay for some reason, not at all improve, and yet go "yeah maybe i can get this published" like genuinely what the hell are you thinking????

oh yeah and im in there too. and guess what. my characters a guy who written the exact same as everybody else, with out an ounce of actual complexity to his character, and also his name sounds like a bad fake name raiden would make up to get into japan.

...this turned into a rant, but like... this isnt even half of it

or a quarter.

or even a sixteenth.

someday i'll just let it all loose but for now ill stop there, this is turning into a rant that isn't related to hrt.

so, like i was saying before i got sidetracked, my dysphoria is back with a vengeance, and i cant get estrogen prescribed until like august because due to my states laws i can't be on it till i'm a legal adult, and then once i am i need to get prescribed the stuff which'll prolly take a bit even through teleheath, which if i do go down that route (i most likely will), then i have to deal with regulartory bs, and then it has to be shipped/put in at whatever bumfuck pharmacy, and THEN i can get it, which all depends on the idea i'd have the money for it which i do not. so... yeah itll take a sec. i know diy is an option but thats more a last resort for me personally

also like. what if it gets banned in my state.

i was gonna go on it way earlier but my family advised me to wait, i'm honestly lucky in that regard because then i would have suddenly been taken off it, and it would wreck havoc on my body, so... there's that at least.

still, then there's the fact that my closest friends are both pretty anti trans (i am not out to them for obvious reasons), the deterioration of my mental health it has assisted, and the fact that i would really, really like tits now

pretty please and thank you, and well...yeah not a fun time.

so thats whats up.

in other news i've been youtubing a bit before i needed a break to grieve. i forgot how fun just making a video can be so i'm gonna try to work up the energy to finish editing this pseudoregalia vid sooner than later

all for nowokbye